24 April 2005

Before I go all stream of consciousness on you, a moment for product placement. This CD by Jem (Finally Woken) has one of the higher replayability factors of any CD I've listened to lately. If you get it, I highly recommend Tracks 2, 6, and 11. Especially Track 11, which is the closest modern pop track I've heard that comes close to evoking the warm fuzzies of love. Awwww. [The all time love song favorite of mine, though, for anyone wondering, is the second track of the second disc of Billie Holiday, The Lady in Autumn: "Come Rain or Come Shine." Hands down, at least among what I've heard in my life.] Tracks that are skippable: 3 and 7. They just feel disingenuous, even though 3 is the title track. Go figure. There are many other CDs I really love (see my profile), but I have a studying playlist on my laptop, and one of her songs just came on. Figured I should give a shout out. If you want to know how I would describe it...maybe an upbeat version of a cross between Dido and Sarah McLachlan.

Now, on to the substance. I'm in a major funk today. Major. The journal is publishing, and I don't feel like it's up to par. It's clean, I'll grant you that. But it lacks quality articles, except for one. Starting a new journal and convincing reputable authors to sign is nearly impossible. Can't imagine why. We even lost one article to our own Law Review. Ouch! I guess I just feel like only a handful of the people who decided to get in on the ground floor of this thing actually put in the requisite effort. Actually, it's not just a feeling, it's fact.
Deep down, I guess I know that I, too, didn't do everything I could have either. A lot, but probably not as much as I could have. And now I'm in the middle of a research project for the Dean. The Dean of the whole law school. I was called today (Sunday!) by his assistant, and he wants to meet tomorrow morning. I turned in my initial work Friday, and I got the distinct feeling that it wasn't good enough. Not even up to what he expected. The worst part is that I know it wasn't my best work. Good, but not great. I put in a lot of time, but I can't say my heart was in it.

Exams are quickly arriving too. They seem to get closer by the day. Obviously, they are getting closer by the day. That was retarded. I elected to take the Basic Tax class pass/fail instead of for a grade, just to give me more hours to prep for the four-credit classes (the ones that are known to eat GPAs for dinner). When exams are all done, I'll probably have a job to go to at the Tax Tribunal, presuming they want me (which is definitely not a sure thing) and in the week or so I'll have off between this semester and the start of the summer semester (because I'm taking classes this summer too), I'll get to grade about 1000 pages worth of 1L appellate briefs.

Why do I constantly do this? Every semester, I vow that I won't get so caught up in everything. That I won't constantly be everyone's "yes" man, that I won't pile so much on my plate that I dont' even know where to start. I like to think that it's because I'm at a not-great law school. I mean, I like it here, but it doesn't jump off a resume and scream credibility. It's third tier, so maybe I'm just compensating by beefing up my class rank and extra-curriculars. Or maybe it's just that I've suffered from golden boy syndrome since grade school. I'm used to winning this, and achieving that, and doing all those things that are supposed to mean a lot to academically motivated perfectionists.

But that's not what I am deep down. And lately, it doesn't mean that much anymore. At most, it yields a short term high. Which is nice at the time, but later on it feels insignificant. Certificates and plaques and ribbons and compliments only make you feel one thing: pride. And pride is a very hollow emotion in the long run. What it's being replaced by now is fear. That's right. For the first time in my life that I can remember, I'm afraid. I'm afraid of the real world. Afraid that once I leave this bubble, I'll be a fish out of water. That I'll fail, and that I will realize too late that by doing what I thought was practical and smart my whole life, that I forgot how to do what was meaningful.

And I'm deeply afraid of being lonely. Not alone, but lonely. I'm afraid that my family and circle of friends will dissipate, and sooner than I want to admit. Friends are getting married, others are moving across the country. My sister will, despite her protests, be married soon and have her own family. My parents are older, and neither is in great health, and I'm acutely aware of that. And that's the natural order of things, and I'm honestly happy to see the people in my life move on. But I'm still a little selfish, that can't be helped. And I know that when everyone has gone their separate way, that still leaves me. A guy who has never been in love, not really anyways. Not really at all. A guy who has friends, but none that can't live without him or that he can't live without. A guy who is afraid that one day he'll wake up and wish that he hadn't insisted so much on being independent.

I'm not sure if there is a point in me writing all this. Everyone probably gets into these moods at some time or other. Maybe it's the fact that it's snowing, or that I just need a break. For once, it's not something I'll be able to figure out, so I guess writing it out was the next best thing...

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