14 April 2005

"Come for the pool, stay for the friendly rodents."

You like humor, and I know you haven't been getting it here lately, so my advice is to head here. Many of you probably know about apartmentratings.com already, but for the few of you who haven't experienced the joy of rental housing searches, here's some excerpts from a few mid-Michigan locations. I haven't altered spelling or grammar, because that adds to the humor in some cases.

Overall, this is not somewhere i would recommend to live: the office is terrible especially management, apartments are poorly maintained and they have rats.

[I think saying "they have rats" would be adequate, don't you? But in case you're comfortable with rats, the bad management will keep you away.]

Mgmt, only cares about the grass, and fines. They will fine you (or take out of your deposit) for walking funny, if it offends then. Rent elsewhere unless you are an attorney and can hanlde the legal stress.

[Score!]

randomly one day we found an ant hill in our apartment dinning room. if you don't mind insect infestations this is the place for you

[I normally don't mock misspellings, but a "dinning" room just sounds so great. If I was an ant, that's where I'd go. And eat lots of sugar...]

Maintenance used own towels to clean up mess. Had a huge ant problem for a few months. Strange men beating up people with guns. Grill stolen. Would rather live in a box on Grand River. [emphasis added]

[Oddly, this complaint was titled "ant problem." The strange men were just a minor inconvenience.]

I have 2 dogs (under 10 lbs) which I was allowed to have. The neighbor constantly complained about me and even called the cops on me because she said she expected silence and didn't think dogs should bark...EVER!!! She would rentlessly bang on my ceiling at all hours of the day and scour at me in the parking lot.

[Yeah, those brillo pads can be painful.]

we moved into the "worst apartment in the community"- direct words from the grounds manager. Beware the balconies, they do tend to shake after 3 people are on it. Its fun to party at, but not to live at. Weve had problems from the crews they hire, such as paint all over my stereo equipment from the people who were doing our ethernet, and we also had our ceiling cave in from the people who were "repairing" the roof. The parties are non-stop, and that means unless you LOVE techno music, which I and most sane people don't, its not a good place to live.

[Not so funny, but included because I know we read constructive eviction cases in Property last year that were less serious than this.]

The toilets backed up and all the basement apartments were covered in raw sewage. It is definetely the ghetto apartments of East Lansing, but a very fun place to live. Watch out for the bums though... I saw a fight in the parking garage because one bum was digging through another bums garbage disposal bin. [emphasis added]

[The sewage was just simply "fun"--it was the garbage duels that made it "very fun."]

In the summer we had a huge centipede problem and a rolly polly problem in the fall, our drain would always overflow in the kitchen with old smelly water in the winter...

["To everything, turn, turn, turn, there is a season, turn, turn, turn....."
Spring wasn't mentioned, so I'm guessing it's reserved for the ants or the rats. Or beatings from strange men.]

DONT MOVE HERE! first of all nick the maitenance guy does drugs all the time, beats his wife, and his kids run around everywhere. Hes a drug pusher.

[There was no "second of all." I guess Nick is a hard act to follow.]

Don't you dare move here! At any point in time during the day or night you will most likely hear children screaming at the top of their lungs, stereos blasting, or white trash couples yelling at their kids. Sometimes I wonder if this is a crack house or an apartment complex.

[Note to marketing: in brochures, add "close to local entertainment."]

I can hear every word from the bedroom below mine, and its even worse when their not talking.

[Please explain, because that was subtle.]

Live in the dorms, live in a house with twenty people, live in a dumpster, but don't live in Crossing Place. At least the rats in the dumpster won't charge you rent, unlike this place.

[But they'll nail you with the security deposit...]


I'll update this as needed.

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