25 April 2005

One Ply, Two Ply, Red Ply, Blue Ply

From the hilarious Georgia Pacific website:

"Tissue: This thin, absorbent paper is made from virgin and reclaimed pulp. It's used to manufacture many of GP's consumer products including paper towels, paper napkins, bathroom tissue and facial tissue." (emphasis added)

VIRGIN!! So that's where they've all gone. How very soylent green, but on the, um, other end, of the situation, if you know what I mean. I hope Jodie Foster's character from Silence of the Lambs didn't live next to the factory:

Clarice Starling: And they were screaming.
Hannibal Lecter: And you ran away?
Clarice Starling: No. First I tried to free them. I... I opened the gate to their pen, but they wouldn't run. They just stood there, confused. They wouldn't run.

Hannibal Lecter: But you could and you did, didn't you?
Clarice Starling: Yes. I took one...and I ran away as fast as I could.

(for all the East Lansing readers: sounds like a night at Harper's, no?)

And then another disturbing heading: "Away-From-Home Products." Apparently we don't use liquid soap, paper towels, or napkins at home. Or toilet paper. "Billy, that toilet paper is for special occasions when we're out with Grandma. Use your hand next time. Or the Wall Street Journal." Financial Times for the rich homes, because it's pink.

And then this!!!: we make the things that make you feel at home -- no matter what room you're in

Um, any room? And written in such scary text, adding to the effect. For those times when you eat oatmeal for breakfast and just can't make it out of the breakfast nook, but the breakfast made it out of your nook. (ok, that's just wrong...).

And what is a "bath cup"? Oh, the possibilities. Maybe a replacement for socks in the worlds of prepubescent girls. Maybe for when the toilet isn't working. Maybe for when you need "just a little shower." Or when Iggy the goldfish needs a bath. Who knows? Clearly, someone at Georgia-Pacific (we hope).

But the best part is this: the names they give to their commercial toilet tissue.

In the "Interfolded Folded Tissue" category (I'm not kidding, really): Acclaim. Because we can't stop talking about it, much less singing its praises. "OH MY GOD!!!! This tissue!!! Gladys! It's the most interfolded folded bliss I've ever experienced!..."

In the "High Capacity Bath Tissue" category (I'm serious!!):

Executive System. Because...oh, hell, insert your own joke.

Micro-twin System. That's a niche market if I ever saw one.

Never-Out Executive System. They would have said "fig leaves for lawyers" but that didn't sound so nice. And those are HUGE rolls. Imagine getting that in the mail room.

And, in the "standard bath tissue, 1-ply" category (Remember, this is one ply. One. The loneliest number in so many ways. Welcome to the land of forced handwashing):

Acclaim: see above, but it's worth a second mention, don't you think?

Envision: Inviting you to imagine how it could have been. I miss two-ply.

Lastly, for your consideration, the "2-ply, mega-ply, and multilayer" category:

Compact: "...for maintaining your professional look." Direct quote, I kid you not.

Preference: In case you prefer to...what exactly? This isn't rocket science, people. Maybe it is...

Quilted Northern: They would have called it "Sewed-up Yankee," but that seemed awfully suggestive. Or "Deep South Comforter"--hey, that seems like a good idea. I'd wipe with it. You would, too. Maybe someone from GP is reading. Presuming they're literate...


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